Friday, March 30, 2012

Motorcycles, Eclairs, and Dating

Cancer is a strange phenomenon. Even if your life is in no danger of ending as is the case with my cancer, you definitely start to get that “near-death” mentality. Suddenly there seems to be a rush on your bucket list. Not only do I not want to make sure I truly change through this experience, I don’t want to miss out on learning and doing things I want.

JOB FRONT

I’m on disability b/c my energy level and immune system is pretty low however, I’ve managed to score a work-from-home job with Kennesaw. I’m going to be organizing their student databases in one of their graduate departments and helping usher them into the social networking age. Things I can from my computer! The coolest part is because of my master’s, I may qualify for faculty status instead of just “staff.” I knew all those student loans were going to mean something someday…

HOBBIES

· My cooking has reached epic proportions. In the effort to find something I enjoy eating, I’m going crazy in the kitchen. I’ve learned to make ice cream and sherbet, how to cook an edible medium rare steak on a George Foreman, made perfect roast potatoes, planned an Easter dinner, and studied the theory (and am ready to try) of making éclairs (surprisingly simple). The tools for éclairs involve cake decoration tips so I’ve bought on a book on that as well. Too bad very little tastes appealing…

· Reality television is also taking over my life. In case you were curious, there’s very little on television that’s any good; however, Mom got me hooked on American Pickers. There’s not possible way I can make this sound interesting: two dudes go on road trips to buy people’s junk for their antique store. It’s fascinating. I’m slowly becoming an expert on Indian Motorcycles and gasoline signs and creating a PhD thesis revolving around the theory that the more impressive the beard, the better the antique find. I’ve also watched enough Project Runway to convince myself I could sew.

· I’m also enjoying having more reading time. I’ve read several novels in the last couple of months, including stuff I never would have picked up on my own. Pop fiction, classics, young adult… I even watched a Hemingway movie (as close I care to be to the drunken genius).

· I’ve also been bitten by the shopping bug. I lost a lot of weight due to chemo so I need new clothes, and I’m going ultra-girly than I ever have because I’m compensating for no hair. I’m also doing interiors. My bedroom is getting a facelift and Mom and I redoing her living room (and making the Swedes at Ikea richer).

SOCIAL LIFE

I haven’t had much of one. I am tired. When I have energy during the day, most of my friends work. At night when they’re free, I’m worn out (and probably watching American Pickers). However, one of my New Year’s Resolutions (before I got sick) was to start dating again. Yes, the middle of cancer treatment is a weird time to start looking for a relationship, but me being me, I can come up with excuses never to be ready to date again, so why not now? Hence, I’ve joined Match.com and told Dad I’m opening to the idea of dating his friends’ sons. All suggestions considered…

Monday, March 26, 2012

(Profound and Catchy Thought)

So, in the latest development of cancer-related body trauma, I've started to lose my eyelashes. It's not the end of the world and I know (all right, at least I hope) that they'll grow back, but... While I don't have to deal with the horror of a mastectomy or anything like that, I do have a slight idea at what breast cancer patients go through when their femininity is damaged by their disease. I've never thought of myself as being excessively vain, but I definitely took pride in my looks and knew people could look at me without turning to stone. Now I'm top-of-the-head-hairless, (almost) eyelashless, and most days I wake up and feel like my body is betraying me simply b/c it won't do what I want it to or it won't perform at the level of energy I want to ask of it. I apologize for the length of that sentence, but I wasn't sure I wanted to end on a preposition. I'm a nerd.

In the end though, it's all relative. Right now, my struggles are matters of physical discomfort. I'm not minimizing my problems at the moment, but my problems aren't (currently) matters of survival. In the past couple of months, three girls I know and was on good terms with through school and former jobs have lost their mothers. My heart breaks for them b/c I'm having a hard enough time dealing with cancer and I have both my parents supporting me beyond anything I could have hoped for (major examples of unconditional love). I couldn't imagine doing this without one of my parents though. And especially at this time in your life in your 20s when you're really on this strange cusp of adulthood... A girl needs her mother.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no martyr and I cried last week in the hospital b/c I was so frustrated at being so sick. I'm not perfect and I get uber-grumbly sometimes, but at least I have my support network who puts up with me...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A New and Improved PET

Wednesday I had my first PET scan since my diagnosis. It was non-eventful; the only humorous happening was my vet tech who looked like the lovechild of Lurch and Elliot Yamin. Well, at least that's something.

And the news that came back was awesome! The tumor has shrunk by a third, from 14 cm to 9 and change cm. It's also much less active which means it's hardly growing any more. Happy dance.

In other news, I'm getting out into the land of the living a bit more. Cason and I went to see "Billy Elliot" over the weekend. The show was amazing, but I got to be more amused by the suburbanites who brought their children. For those of you who've never seen the original movie the musical is based on, it's R-rated with a ton of profanity and sexuality (of the hetero and homo variety). Parents apparently thought that just b/c it was a musical about a kid overcoming his poor background, it was appropriate to bring children of all ages to. Not so much. But I got a good laugh out of it.

In slightly more sad news, my feelings got hurt b/c the whole time we were out, people kept staring at my bald head. I mean, I know I look a bit strange, but didn't parents ever teach their kids it's rude to stare. On the upside, Cason would catch some of them and stare back at them and make them feel uncomfortable.

Jaclyn came down on Sunday and we had girly shopping time which was awesome, which was followed by a whole meal of food and frozen yogurt (bonus points if you get the movie reference). My dog is still doing well in Winder and is still completely obsessed with Jac's husband, who does not return the adoration. Jaclyn thinks the whole thing is hysterical, especially when, on Richard's birthday, she decided to be nice and take the dogs out in the morning, but Buca refused to go with her and ran back into the bedroom to wait on Richard. I don't know what he's going to do when he comes home...

Friday, March 9, 2012

Finally--Some Action!!

I don't feel very funny. I've spent the last few days exhausted and with achy joints; I feel like an old person who should be grumbling about Social Security checks and whippersnappers. My hips and knees have me constantly teary-eyed b/c they hurt so badly, and Mom feels bad b/c there is nothing she can do to help my aches. Hot bathes are a fond and distant memory b/c I'm not supposed to overly soak my biopsy scar and I can't get my PICC line dressing wet. #crabby

Additionally, I'm currently laid up at Mom's with nausea. I tried to go out for a little field trip this afternoon just for change of scenery and had to come home b/c I was about to start hurling all over Whole Foods. It sucks when I do all the things I'm supposed to do medicine-wise and food-wise and still I'm miserable. I know this isn't a permanent condition, but it's frustrating to go through it every cycle.

However, life isn't all gloom and doom. My blood counts are good and my PET scan is next week. Also, Dad and I have been getting to spend a lot of time together, and while it sucks it over doctors' appointments, the time is nice. On a side note, we went to Community Q in Decatur and it was AMAZING. Trust me, when a cancer patient who doesn't think anything tastes good finds great food, it is outstanding.

Anyway, before this lunch, I had my weekly appointment at Emory. Up until now, my hospital experience has been pretty bereft of sexy drama and doctors. I have not looked like a medical show heroine and (while they are brilliant and talented) my doctors are not hot men. Or men of any kind.

Because Emory is a teaching hospital, I constantly have students and residents getting involved with my treatment and the odds that everyone and their brother are going to be reading my test results. And I'm fine with this. My cancer is manifesting itself in an unusual way, and I get the doctors being excited that they finally have an out-of-textbook example of things to show their students. At this particular appointment, my oncologist asks if I mind letting one of her residents listen to my heart to see if he can hear the fluid around it.

Imagine my pleasant surprise when the very cute resident comes into my exam room. He's not my cup of tea as far as personal taste and what I would go for in a date, but I can appreciate a cute, preppy doctor. I still have a pulse after all. Anyway, he does his thing with the stethoscope and does a breast exam to see where the tumor is located.

Le sigh. A cute doctor has his hand down my shirt and all I want to do is giggle b/c the context is so ridiculous with my father in the room (and he is trying to look anywhere but where the doctor and I are) and the doctor being so flustered b/c 1. he's fairly young and 2. he has his hand down a girl's shirt when her father is sitting behind him. Definitely one of those "Sooooooooo.... how 'bout them Braves?" moments.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Stir Crazy

I get to go home tomorrow! Last bag of chemo starts this afternoon... This really has been an exceptionally boring stay in the hospital this time, which I suppose is a good thing, but this morning it's been a carousel of doctors and nurses and techs who want to come in and chat.

Luckily the chemo isn't making me as tired this time, so I'm doing a ton of laps around the floor, but all the tally marks I make on the whiteboard make me feel like Robinson Crusoe on the island just marking the days...

I have to get some better clothes to wear at the hospital. Hospital gowns just have a way of making one feel even sicker. I mean, I have cancer. It doesn't mean I completely need to give up on the rest of my looks...